Karen Carpenter

So I saw a movie recently called Surrogates with Bruce Willis.

It takes place in the future after someone has built the technology to entirely recreate a robotic human shell that can be driven by a real human in a chair from a distance. The real humans create these surrogates to look like what they want to look like themselves. Kind of like choosing the extremely buff character in an online game even though you yourself are a 300lb. slob who gets winded going to the refrigerator. It goes to show that even in the future (as I know this movie was filmed and sent back from the future for our serious consideration to show us the error of our ways), people are still caught up with looking terrific and not doing much work to get that way. That being said, since I couldn't remember hurting in as many places as I have since my Wii Active session, I haven't subjected myself to such torture again. It makes me sad that working out seems such a chore.

Since I am having such a hard time with the Wii Active, I started asking around about the P90X.

I did some research online and found a few testimonials. Here is one that caught my eye:

"I've had P90X for a while but to be honest, kept it shelved until a few weeks ago. I was still going to the gym and could tell I had 'plateaued'. I'm on my 3rd week of P90 . . . Lean and am absolutely loving it. I was sore after the first workout which let me know right away that I wasn't getting everything I needed from my gym workouts. I can't wait to see the final results and I defintely plan on continuing with other Fitness Programs from Tony after my 90 day transformation."

–Lisa E Wilkins, Forest City, NC

This is a testimonial that is pretty much like all the rest, but this lady was already going to a gym. What caught my attention about this testimonial was the part where she said, "I was sore after the first workout." Have you ever seen those strongman competitions? My buddy competes in those things. He has the P90X and said, that I should make sure I have a bucket near me if I try to do the P90X. He said he threw-up after the very first workout. Hmmm . . . if I remember correctly, Karen Carpenter said that also, right? The point is, this guy is already bulky. He's just trying to turn what little fat he has gotten sitting behind a desk into muscle. This guy throws up after the very first P90X workout? Are you kidding me? Who does that to themselves? . . . um . . . OKAY! Fine. Stop looking at me in that tone of voice! I will do it. Just, . . . whatever . . . journalistic duty, blah, blah, blah. So . . . I guess I'll give the old P90X a try and report back to you next week.

Metabo-what?

I'm told that metabolism has a great deal to do with gaining or losing weight. What is this metabolism you say? What I like to do in this situation is break down the word into its different parts to help define it. Let's start with met which is Greek for the past tense of being introduced to someone else. Then we have abol which comes from the word abolish meaning get rid of. And lastly there is ism which is a suffix for following an ideology.  So the word metabolism means following the idea of getting rid of our recent acquaintances. Hmmm . . . that's why I'm really thinking that this metabolism cannot possibly have anything to do with weight loss/gain.

What makes much more sense to me is that weight loss/gain probably has something to do with age. You know, I used to be really skinny and people would often comment on how skinny I was. During this time, I could eat anything I wanted and not gain an ounce of weight. Now I started to notice a correlation of this age thing when I got into college. I was an exchange student with a British school, Sunderland Polytechnic (now Sunderland University in Northern England).

Sunderland University

While I was there for 6 months, I lost 15lbs. I was constantly trying to get to Germany, as German was my minor, and I finally found an exchange program with Sunderland to Carl von Ossietzky Universität in North Germany.

Carl von Ossietzky Universität

After I was there for about 3 months, I gained all 15lbs. back and continued to gain another 15 lbs., which made me heavier than I had been ever, I think I was about 160lbs. when I returned from the Vaterland.  . . .  I can tell you are amazed at my statistical knowledge and extremely scientific hypotheses, but wait . . . there's more:

I leveled back out upon my return to America to about a buck-55. And I stayed 155lbs. until I got married 3½ years later. I gained 15lbs. and stayed 170lbs. for 5 years only increasing weight when Marci got pregnant. (Actually I usually gained more  weight than she did during her pregnancies, but quickly lost the weight running around getting stuff for the new addition to the fam.) I started working in a slightly more sedentary job and that's when I noticed the weight start dripping on faster and faster. Now that I'm 38, I'm fat. By my calculations, age is the most important factor in gaining weight.

Aw, crap, that logic must be flawed somehow! I know lots of older people who are thin. Maybe the running around after childbirth has something to do with weightloss, but I can't be bothered to have more kids—this economy, it's rough with the baby wipes, etc. I'm gonna try to move more. Perhaps I'll do something on the Wii. I tried the WiiFit Plus, and there are some interesting things there in the games section, but the strength and yoga sections are kinda boring, they just want you to work out or stand in some weird position, crazy. Here I am being told by my Wii that I am "overweight!"  Notice my BMI is 29.76. WiiFit tells me that a "normal" BMI is around 22. That means I need to weigh the old 155lbs. I weighed in college.

I've got my work cut out for me.  Anyway, I've got this other game which, frankly, I don't know how they even try to call it a game.  It's more like torture with a Wii controller. It's called EA Sports Wii Active.

I tried the 1st workout routine of the 30-day challenge on hard—holy mackerel! I was sweating in places I've never sweat before. I'm sort of upset that I don't have an after picture for you, but I felt like I was going to throw up, and I couldn't work the camera. I certainly hope this gets easier, 'cause, DANG, I'm fat.

I am Vince and I am fat.

My name is Vince Vaughn and I am fat. There. I said it. That's tough to admit, you see, because all my life (well, except the last 6 years or so), I've been the tall skinny guy. The guy who people call bean-pole, tall-drink-of-water, tooth-pick, spindle-shanks, etc. etc. Now, people don't really call me anything. They just get out of my way at the buffet line. When I'm boarding a plane people watch me approach the seats in fear that I just might be the guy who is fated to sit next to them, pinning them tightly in their seats for the next few hours, swapping shoulder sweat with me. Ewww...

You may have noticed that my name is Vince Vaughn. If you don't know me, then I feel obligated to mention that, no, I am not the actor Vince Vaughn. Obviously I share his name. But there's more that he and I share: we're both 6'5". We both graduated in 1988. We both have 'A' as our middle initial. We both were once skinny and are now fat.

The Actor Before	The Actor Now

Me Before	Me Now

I know what you are thinking: Shameful. Disgusting. Humiliating. You are undoubtedly shaking your head in disappointment in the human race. Perhaps you are even making a mental note to forward this visual atrocity to your friends. Not that anyone admits to enjoy looking at a tragedy directly in the face, but there is something deep inside us that causes to slow and look at car accidents or waste hours on Youtube watching "EPIC FAILS".

This is no different.

"Hey," you say to your friend, "you gotta see how this guy let himself go. I mean, wow, it's like he's William Shatner only not as cool."

"Yeah," your friend replies "he's like a much taller Elizabeth Taylor."

You pause. "I don't get it."

"I'm just sayin'," says your friend "once thin, once on top of his game, and now he's wearing size 16 sequinned gowns and gobs of make up."

"That doesn't even apply here"

Pause.

"Ok, yeah, but imagine this guy in that get up. Would not that be horrific?"

Or something like that. The point is, I'm fat. And I have no business being fat. It's not like I'm cool because of it. I'm no Chris Farley. For one I've survived longer and for two, I've never danced with Patrick Swayze and now, tragically, I'll never get that opportunity.

Ok. So how fat am I? Well, I'm not Precious fat, but I am...well...Vince Vaughn fat. Ironically, it comes back to that. That's the best way to describe it.

If you're interested in the details, here they are. As of this writing (January 10, 2010) I:

• weigh 246 pounds (yikes! but in my defense remember I am 6'5")
• wear a 38 waste (fatty!)
• get winded walking back and forth to the fridge
• avoid tying my shoes because dang it! it's hard to bend down when your gut gets all squished up between your chest and thighs.

So over the next year, I will weigh in and report my stats. Hopefully they go down each week.

So that's why I'm here. Because I am embarking on the journey of going from Fat to Fit. And I'm chronicalling this journey with my buddy Emil. Why? Well, have you seen that guy? Yeah, he's a bit portly too. And because he's one of the best friends I've ever had. If you know him, you know how awesome it is to be with that dude. Annoying at times, sure, but loveable and fun? Completely! He's like your favorite dog who sometimes will chew apart your favorite chair. But you still love him, because really, there's no better dog out there, right?

Ok, enough of the lame metaphors. Basically, what I'm saying is. I am fat. But I will be THIN!

The Wanting

Have you ever really wanted something so badly, but it required something you were unwilling to sacrifice or something really hard you had to do or something you couldn't eat? You have? . . . Well, that really sucks. I'm glad, I'm not you. Anyway, I've really been working hard thinking of awesome ways to lose weight. I mean, there's the passive thing, where you sit on the couch eating chips while your muscles are getting a workout from the electrodes attached to your stomach (sadly, I think this really works). But aside from giving yourself shock therapy, I guess getting hooked on smack is the other easy way to lose the libras.



The problem I have with the electrode dealie-o is getting fitted for a new bikini. I mean it looks cool and all, but c'mon . . . electrodes? Who here saw Napoleon Dynamite and the "time machine"?


Exactly. I mean, who has the time to inflict such extreme pain upon themselves? I recently saw a quote from my hero from Finding Nemo:

I gotta work out. I keep saying it all the time. I keep saying I gotta start working out. It's been about two months since I've worked out. And I just don't have the time. Which uh..is odd. Because I have the time to go out to dinner. And uh..and watch tv. And get a bone density test. And uh.. try to figure out what my phone number spells in words.
- Ellen DeGeneres

You see? Dorie gets it. I can't be the only person who thinks about buying a gym membership, can I? I must have like 4 "fitness" related, uh . . . games on my Wii; there must be like 2 of them I haven't played. Someone recently said to me that I really didn't want to lose weight. Oh, yeah? Well that's just a load of hockey—bull-hockey, dangit! I want to lose weight. I don't want my Wii to tell me I'm a really fat person. I want my old jeans back. Oh, and I'm gonna get it—yes sir-ree bob-tail, I'm gonna get what I want. I don't care that I have to electrify what my wife calls the ever-expanding buttocks. I don't care that I have to pass out from exhaustion on the jogging part of Wii Active. I don't care that I have to endure the fat jokes from my wife who was always 20lbs. heavier than me for our entire marriage, and only during her pregnancies and since her "biggest loser" contest at school have things changed, so she can now call me the fat one. I'M GOING TO GET THIN AGAIN IF IT KILLS ME! Top that, Jillian Michaels!

Introduction

Well, it's that time of year again; a resolution time of year. It's time for the ultimate test of stamina and stick-with-it-ness that some folks might, for simplicity, call endurance. Yes, it's time for the dreaded (wait for it . . .) WEIGHT-LOSS Resolution!!! Here's the back story: Vince A. Vaughn (not the incredible movie star, but my idol, nonetheless) called me not too long ago. Now Vince is a close personal friend who I've known for about 13 years. Such a friend is he, that I was not remotely offended by his suggestion that I was fat. After all, he matter-of-factly stated that he was fat, too. He thought it would be a good idea if we started this blogging site telling people of our "adventures" of trying to slim-down for 2010. So here we are.

These pictures are examples of what I look like now.

I suppose a good place to start would be a brief introduction of the authors of the site (I'll let Vince introduce himself): My name is Emil Girardin Jr. I was born 38 years ago in Valdosta, Georgia, a humble fly-spot on interstate 75 on the way to Florida. I am the oldest of two children and the only member of my nuclear family who does not speak with a heavy southern accent. Throughout childhood and adolescence, I have been active enough to not care about my caloric intake or my desert consumption, and, frankly, I've enjoyed some pretty awesome, yet unhealthy, foods. Some might say that I've developed a bad habit of eating see-food (*ask me about this 3rd grade joke later). Since I've been married, my superhuman abilities to eat anything and retain my svelte figure have waned, and consequently I weigh about 65lbs. more than I should.

My wife is a high-school Spanish teacher, and her school put on a "biggest loser" contest for the faculty members. She started out about 210lbs. and although she didn't win the contest, she has managed to get her weight down to about 180lbs, and she looks as slim as she was when we were married. This losing-weight thing has brought it to the forefront of her mind, and she constantly sends out little jabs at me about my weight. Now, I'm not crazy overweight or anything, but I weigh about 220lbs—it's more than I've ever weighed, and I'm starting to get a bit self-conscious about it—so, I'm resolving in 2010 to get fit again so I can shut my wife up and maybe regain an ounce or two of self-esteem back. This blog will serve to document Vince's and my progress on our quests to be the hunks that are trapped inside of us!