The Wanting

Have you ever really wanted something so badly, but it required something you were unwilling to sacrifice or something really hard you had to do or something you couldn't eat? You have? . . . Well, that really sucks. I'm glad, I'm not you. Anyway, I've really been working hard thinking of awesome ways to lose weight. I mean, there's the passive thing, where you sit on the couch eating chips while your muscles are getting a workout from the electrodes attached to your stomach (sadly, I think this really works). But aside from giving yourself shock therapy, I guess getting hooked on smack is the other easy way to lose the libras.



The problem I have with the electrode dealie-o is getting fitted for a new bikini. I mean it looks cool and all, but c'mon . . . electrodes? Who here saw Napoleon Dynamite and the "time machine"?


Exactly. I mean, who has the time to inflict such extreme pain upon themselves? I recently saw a quote from my hero from Finding Nemo:

I gotta work out. I keep saying it all the time. I keep saying I gotta start working out. It's been about two months since I've worked out. And I just don't have the time. Which uh..is odd. Because I have the time to go out to dinner. And uh..and watch tv. And get a bone density test. And uh.. try to figure out what my phone number spells in words.
- Ellen DeGeneres

You see? Dorie gets it. I can't be the only person who thinks about buying a gym membership, can I? I must have like 4 "fitness" related, uh . . . games on my Wii; there must be like 2 of them I haven't played. Someone recently said to me that I really didn't want to lose weight. Oh, yeah? Well that's just a load of hockey—bull-hockey, dangit! I want to lose weight. I don't want my Wii to tell me I'm a really fat person. I want my old jeans back. Oh, and I'm gonna get it—yes sir-ree bob-tail, I'm gonna get what I want. I don't care that I have to electrify what my wife calls the ever-expanding buttocks. I don't care that I have to pass out from exhaustion on the jogging part of Wii Active. I don't care that I have to endure the fat jokes from my wife who was always 20lbs. heavier than me for our entire marriage, and only during her pregnancies and since her "biggest loser" contest at school have things changed, so she can now call me the fat one. I'M GOING TO GET THIN AGAIN IF IT KILLS ME! Top that, Jillian Michaels!